I recently came across an article titled “50 Things No Woman Over 40 Should Own“. Well, I own a crapload of stuff and am well over 40 so, of course, I had to check it out.
I have to be honest, there were some things on the list that I can agree with. My agreement is a universal agreement, though, and not an “if you’re over 40, you need to get rid of this but, if you’re 35, yaaaaaassss” agreement.
#3 and #26 – Tights with Holes or Runs and Beat Up Bras– Totally agree. Whether you’re 40 or 14, ain’t nobody got time for that. Tights are practically a dime a dozen. If you’re a tight wearer and you find a pair you like, buy those suckers in bulk and you’ll never have to worry about feeling badly about throwing a pair away when they get a gnarly snag or tear. And the bras? Don’t get me started. You deserve a couple of bras that make your girls look fantastic. And, trust me, Walmart has some great ones for pennies compared to big department stores or specialty lingerie shops.
#7 – Harem Pants – I shouldn’t even have to say anything about this. Same goes for “drop crotch” pants. What the actual hell is up with those? How is that fashionable in any way, shape, or form? If you’re going to wear those after 40, be prepared for everyone to think that you’ve just dropped a serious load in your “adult undergarment”. Just sayin’.
#43 – Sequined Anything – I’m sorry but, if you’re not currently performing in a dance studio production, you’ve got no business wearing the sequined blouse you just found at Ross and that was on a 40% off sale. It doesn’t matter how much it cost, you don’t need it. Sequins are for tap dancers and nine year old jazz dance students and not for anyone else. End of story.
But, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that there were plenty of things on this list that just pissed me off to see. Who is anyone else to tell me that I shouldn’t own:
#5 – Alcohol in Plastic Bottles – sorry, but some of my favorite alcohol comes in plastic bottles. And, if anyone has a problem with the fact that it “looks cheap”, they don’t get to drink my Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum with me. Or anything else for that matter. So there.
#8 – A Magnifying Mirror – sorry again, but this will not “drive you crazy and cause you to obsess”. What it will do is allow you to actually SEE yourself in the mirror with your aging eyes that are no longer 20/20.
#18 and #37 – A Bulletin Board and Colored Pens – fuck you.
I could go on and on. The more pissy I felt, though, the more I wondered, “Just who on earth wrote this article?” Well, the Best Life editors did; the editors of the online mag that posted this gem of an article. So I went and looked at their About page to see what they were all about. And that’s when I got really pissed.
Best Life is a site for men who want to live to the fullest. It’s the definitive resource for health tips, advice on accumulating wealth, food tips and tricks, notes on sex and style — everything you need to get you the body and the life you want.
Vomit. No man tells me what I should and shouldn’t have. My best girlfriend? Maybe. But a man? A man who is seeking advice on “accumulating wealth” and “notes on sex and style”? Nope, especially not him.
Ladies, when I see lists like this – lists written by the editors of a men’s magazine no less – my advice to you is to toss them in the burn pile with those harem pants. You don’t need them. Not the lists and especially not the harem pants. You do you regardless of your age. Be fabulous. Wear good tights and great underwear that make you feel amazing. Drink your booze straight out of that plastic bottle and do so without apology. Life is too short to have a men’s mag editorial board tell you otherwise.